6-12-2020

6/12/2020

Yesterday I wrote about values. I did so because I watched a long mark Manson video on you tube and it got me thinking. If you didn't already know Mark Manson is a New York times best selling author of the book “The subtle art of not giving a fuck.” In the book he talks about values a lot and remembering that I wanted to go back and reflect on my values. Because if I have shitty values then all my goals and my path in life may seem conceited and selfish. I thought it may be important to revisit that book I read in two days because it gives me a solid foundation of reflection and was the inspiration for my essay called spirit guide. In “Spirit Guide” A gave a brief summary of the book by saying its important for you to reduce the things you give a fuck about while not emulating a psychopath. If you have read it then my values can be seen comes from a set of beliefs relating to but not limited too, Christian Religion, Buddhism, Self helper y and general philosophy. In my journal yesterday I wrote about confessing to my sin as it was based in delusion. I got this set of ideas from santideva and “A guide to the Bodhisattva way of life.” This book was sitting on my bookshelf for a while just crying out to be read. As if the wisdom in it would only help and needed to be discovered. So the simple minded fool I am left it sitting there since I first found it in the gallery here at art space. But the idea of wisdom in it is profound and mind altering. I took my time to read about the benefit of the spirit of awakening. And in the part where he confessing to his sin was in the second chapter. Its here that he says what good is it if I have my friends by my side if everything in this life is temporary. Impermanence in this way is shockingly scary and while hell may or may not be a real place it may feel like where already in it. I thought if I took my time to write about values it would make me seem like a less shitty person or if I had good values I can use them to find out what I really wanted out of this life. That is why im upset that my book is stuck in Pennsylvania with my sister and I can't go back and skim through the chapters with a determined air of superiority on my grinning face because I know I have good values. And that by the time I read it all I would be able to form some type of biased conclusion on how great I am or some shit.

Also there is more out there than just Mark and his value judgments. I also left another book there. The one by the beautiful Elizabeth Gilbert titled “Big magic- Creative living beyond fear.” In this book she has some cool concepts and in January 2019 I went deep into reading it and by the time that year was over had glossed over the pages at least three times. But I still need it as my retention may not have afforded me the luxury to remember every little important detail about the fascinating aspects of creativity. There was this cool idea about people having genius and not being genius and also ideas that manifest themselves into people. As if ideas are sentient and can find people and say hi to them. It may be counter intuitive or self loathing to not put these ideas into practice to see if what this crack pot best selling author is saying is grounded in some type of universal truth that may be alluding my somewhat dim creative output.

The other idea was to not hold onto your suffering in the sake of a creative endeavor. The tortured artist ideal seems to be something people hold onto as creatives. But the martyr ideal seems to do more harm than good. Or so Gilbert argues. And that it is better to dress up and have a playful and flirty relationship with your inspiration rather than a dark and abusive one. There are many artists in the past who deal with the many devils of having a dark relationship with their work. So be it. It is not worth it in the long haul as destructive tendencies are only bound to make you feel bad no matter how great or deep and profound your work is. Some artists we know of harbor resentment and others are just straight up drug addicts or alcoholics. Its the Trickster energy Gilbert argues we should throw back into the universe to be made manifest. As that is the tricky fun energy that might make its way back to you in some profoundly cosmic way.

Randomly I decided to journal and am on day three. Day one started out as a history workshop in a global history book I found and was related to patterns of interactions. I went and glossed over random history facts I have learned and made a little paragraph trying to answer the question it posed. In spite of the fact that I think a lot of regular ass people give little fucks about how interdependence among nations is important to the cultural and global traditions we hold dear. But in the book there was the picture of a Chinese lady wearing a mask and under it in captions it said, severe acute respiratory syndrome in china. And I think that's kinda damn important as right now we are faced with a virus that has caused a global pandemic and the world is a little fucked right now. A virus claiming to have came from China and is causing mortality rates to skyrocket the world over. And also there is the fact that my school days were made better because I actually enjoyed studying global history. Every night I would take two pages of notes in my note book and show my teacher that I was a good boy and did my homework the previous night. I excelled in that class and got a 98 on my regents exam. It was a fun time too be had by all. But in light of recent times I wanted to go back and take a deep dive into history and see how we got so fucked in light of events that happened globally in the past. It didn't go that well. I basically learned a little bit about communist china, the Korean and Vietnam wars and relearned certain basic history terms any tenth grader probably knows better than the back of their hand. Renaissance means rebirth, patrons supported the arts, Machiavelli wrote the Prince and Albert Einstein was a genius.

How the fuck then? Do global event's effect your daily life?

Well most recently in light of the novel corona virus I can't go shopping without wearing personal protective mask's to the grocery store. And I have to wash my hands every two minutes and can't wash my ass. But when I do go out in public a lot of people are also washing their hands and wearing masks so I think it is all to protect ourselves and others during this time of crisis. I think it all is a part of something bigger. Then now, there of course are the riots that are happening in the streets because of the killing of an unarmed black man. So social justice is what everybody seems to be crying out for. Police reforms and unity seem to be the keys to solving the many problems that are seen throughout our system.

The black lives matter movement is one that is going on right now throughout our society. There have been protests and violence, peaceful actions and even hugs as well. And although some people may be plain ignorant or violent, there is a much deeper rooted problem at hand in our society. I like the idea of confirmation bias because its there that you see many people have it. If its not aligned to their ideas they disagree with it and discount the other side of the argument all together. How many times can we see this on social media. As if one people aren't at a higher risk than another population of people. And its not just that. The cause is of a deeper discrimination that is slowly being uncovered in our society in general. There are indeed a few bad eggs out there that make the whole batch seem like a nasty brown scramble. And although these few bad eggs have been reported countless times the system is so rigged against itself that these cases of abuse go unnoticed or basically nothing gets done about them. Its similar to the tortured artist situation. That dark and brooding and destructive habit is a systemic problem. And its not just police and politics at this point. It can be just average people who have problems with others going throughout life. As if this toxic anger we have can justify bashing someones brains in, or resorting to violence in general, or kneeing on someones neck for 9 minutes until they are dead. Use instead the trickster energy. Get into the habit of sending this tricky energy into the universe and you'll eventually see bugs bunny someday saying what's up doc. And that's a good thing to see.

I cant stand up for myself. My values allow me to say yes too much and put up with more bullshit than I think I am capable to tolerate. Its bullshit because a lot of the times im helping people with shitty values get by with their shitty problems. I hate to resent them but sometimes im too tired to deal and have to get into my own correct head space which some may see as isolating and lonely. Basically im saying don't come at me with your shitty problems and shitty values.

“If you don't heal from what hurt you, you'll bleed on someone who didn't cut you.”

If I hurt you, let me know, come talk to me. Don't try to spite me out of your own resentment and shitty attitude about me in general. It would be better to be left alone than have a tough conversation I don't wanna have with someone I don't like. Believe me when I say I love you and have love for you but that doesn't mean I totally trust you. And even if I do resent you and feel angry toward you don't I have the right? Its easy to feel indignant and justified to be angry. Like that guy from batman once said your anger gives you great strength but if you let it it will destroy you. So what qualities shockingly should we posses to make it seem like we can all get along together. Tolerance? Love? Harmony? Balance? True id say some of those things would be great to have if we were all walking to strive and get along good on our path. But the harsh reality is some peoples intentions and interactions are just not based in sound principles of those values I said. Some people can just anger quick, or are simply biased and have shitty judgments and their value judgments are rooted in their own pain. Because simple things always work the best id tell you to go fuck yourself and read the bible. Maybe you need Jesus. Id k man.

Delusion is prevalent. In society and our everyday lives. Not everyone is a handsome devil genius like me but I forgive them for that. Some people are just average and underwhelming there's totally nothing wrong with that. But say your value judgment is correct and I am one flew over the cocous nest and I have that “Joker smile” and am alike to Jack Nicholson in the shinning. Then what? What are you doing to avoid the psychotic breakdown so I don't come fucking knocking down your door with a goddamn Ax. Or chase you through the garden with a friggin machete. Your responsible for your arrow after all. Like Joseph Campbell said regarding the hero of the story. “Spirit is my arrow, OHM is my bow.” So what active steps are you talking in this haunted mansion to avoid your own doom? This is a haunted house ride and where all going along at are own speed and dealing with the fuckedupedness the best we all can manage. The ghosts are around every corner. The clowns are outside with AR-15's and the Bat's are literally infected and killing us all. The vampires are feigning and the ware wolfs are howling and eating the corpse of this society when the pale moon forgets to stay behind the clouds.

“A broken pot falls down on my head, how often a broken vessel is shot.”I am in pain. My body aches. I might collapse if I give you one more dream. Im as lonely as i've ever been. And together we fall apart. Me and me alone and skittishly punching holes in drywall and kicking and screaming until the suffering ends. The ashes of my delusion are the flames for your inferior attitudes and snobing outlandish temperment. I am grieving, mortal and in a state of constant despair. The ruins of this culture have been reclaimed by nature, and the scientific method of the day is destructive and unforgiving. I am the other selfless crackpot. The one who claims god than defaces his alters. Epiphany alters.

Your shit is so weak it had me dying. Thanks Maxwell house. It is okay though cause in the end it helped me poop. I wanna see beyond the obvious.

The conjunction came and all that was left for us was cinnamon dust. But when tribal arrows plonk and plunk of of Krakatoa hive mind sever amalgam then come talk to those whom were left in the dust. It was an unfortunate respite. One that clung onto me. Like the fabric of stripes and clumpy fur hangs onto a clean striped magnificent Bengal tiger. And to think we knew what we were doing this whole time. Some times its obvious other times its just as malleable as a liquid gold. Black hole can you get any blacker? No light can escape you.

Have a character like salt. This way people can tend to rely on you and taste it. It is said of course that no tree can grow to heaven unless its roots grow down to hell. So in this way we must embrace those painful moments and grow through it. They say pain is weakness leaving the body. I think pain It is then. It is making us strong. And without unity there is no strength. I guess that's why we are all in pain. In one form or another. And that hurts to say.

A journey of 10,000 miles begins with a single step. Exhale your breath and start moving. Motivation will find you on your journey but perhaps motives aren't enough. You can be motivated to do many things although its what drives them to completion that makes up the whole. You must go it alone because in the end of your journey, and all journeys come to an end, you will most probably wind up in a wooden box just like the rest of us. We therefore are equal, and nothing but equality should be bestowed upon us. And in this respite I notice that we are not all the same. Values and motive and intention can be different and indifferent. To us and anybody weaving there sowing seed into the vast tapestry of the universe. Aliens in that respect are very different and very much the same, unforgiving and vast in the stretch of a cast of characters whom presence in the wide galaxies is overshadowed, lit and unlit, made and unmade again. Vocal and voiceless. Light and dark. All echoing and all still. And still all and nothing. But their existence alluding to us and forgetting us all the same does not matter but matters greatly as well. But as the light shall be shewn to you the voice you shall chose to hear. And when you see those white glossy lights at the end of the tunnel down the road don't forget me or the great forgiver. In the end, when this world is unmade. In the beginning, when god created the heaven and the earth. And in the somewhere in between upside down and on the side. We find ourselves but lose all of it that ever materially came to us. Is the mind wholly material? Is there a way to even answer this question? It's alluding to me in a passive way. To be made and then unmade again. I suppose that if in the end if all shall return with us the question is utter nonsense as well. Because wooden boxes are material but corpses are just dead. So in the end do I really care if the mind is a wholly material possession as if some form of my will cares? But is there a divine reality you ask? What a funny question my friend. How would I know? I am only a human. Of the flesh and of the spirit. If there was would I resent my friends? If there was a divine reality why would I be afforded the luxury to live in it? Who am I born from that makes thee worthy of the divine. OF the holy and the divine I can say I have not seen much of and I don't think there is for me anyway.